Well, it looks like I've just ended a ten-year friendship. D and I have had our disagreements over the years, and we've stopped talking a few times, but we always drifted back toward one another because we had that "bond". Bonds can be outgrown, though, and I've outgrown this one now. It took me long enough to finally see it, but I've outlived my usefulness to D. Sister was telling me about a book she read recently, and she quoted a line that she liked, and although the quote was about brides with an overblown sense of entitlement, it also describes the way it's been with D for years, if not the whole time I've known her: "Chicks like her were only interested in locating the spot where their needs intersected with what you had to give." (Til Death Do Us Part, by Kate White) With D, it's not ragingly evident, like the whole "I'm a Princess" persona, and you have to know her awhile before you catch on, but eventually one day it dawns on you and you say, "Oooooohhh, I see."

Anyway, so, over the years I've done a lot of dog sitting for her, and for a friend of hers who she dated for awhile, several times for all three of their dogs (her one and her friend's two) at once. The dogs are very good and I always enjoy spending time with them, and D and Friend have always paid me for taking care of them, but it's hard on Emily because I have to go stay at D's or her friend's house. Emily is not one of those cats that comes around once in awhile and then wants to be left alone. She and I have been two peas in a pod for 7 1/2 years and she needs my attention and companionship. That was what was so hard when Allie was there. Emily didn't want to share her Mom with another cat. But I'm getting off track. So, there have been a handful of times when I've had to say no to a request to dog sit (she takes an average of 3 to 4 trips a year - usually one or two 7 day cruises, which means 8 or 9 dog sitting days because she will stay overnight between here and the port where she picks up the ship, and another few long-weekend trips here or there, so the handful of times I've said no in ten years is an extremely small percentage) and she's gotten mad at me each time. Once was when D wanted me to take care of her dog at my apartment (so I didn't have to leave Emily), but she was still a young dog and was afraid of the stairs and had to be carried up and down, and my back was out. I could barely climb the stairs alone at that point, and knew I couldn't do it carrying a dog. When I told D I just couldn't do it, I was told, "Well, it's always all about you, isn't it?" and she didn't speak to me for awhile. That was a few years ago. We patched things up and I chalked it up to "That's just D", and we went on. Until a year or so ago when I said no because I had just been away a few times, back-to-back, and Emily was licking a bald spot on her back. It was stress. I stopped being gone for awhile and her hair grew back and she was fine. But D was mad at me that time, too, and didn't call me for awhile.

I've noticed we've been drifting apart over the last several months. We had a falling out last summer while Frank was here, and she was never going to speak to me again. That time, she had a legitimate reason to be mad at me; I'd had a moment of stupidity and forgot some plans we had. However, she did the very same thing about six months before that, and I didn't stop talking to her, but whatever. But, we patched it up. Then, in December, when Frank was scheduled to be here for the holidays, she asked me if he and I would stay at her friend's house for two or three days over Christmas and watch the dogs so they could go somewhere. I told her I couldn't do it, since I had just gotten Allie, and I wanted to be able to spend time with Frank and the cats at home over the holiday. She didn't actually come out and say she was mad that time, but it dawned on me much later that she didn't call during most of the time he was here, and I had to pull teeth to get her to arrange a night to have dinner with us before he went home, and she wound up bringing all her other friends too. It wasn't bad having them there; I like them and enjoyed seeing them, but it was like she couldn't take a couple hours out of her time with everyone else to have dinner with us. After that, she didn't call or return my calls again for awhile.

I can't believe I'm so dense.

So, just over a week ago, she was saying how she missed me, and how we needed to get together, and let's do breakfast on Sunday. So we did, a week ago this past Sunday. She hugged me and gushed over how good it was to see me, and while we were waiting for our table, before we were even seated, she said, "You're still going to dog sit in May, right?" She and Friend are taking a three week trip in May. Now, I don't remember agreeing to dog-sit for three weeks. I can't imagine that I would have. But she used the word still as if I had already agreed. I was kind of dumbfounded, so I asked about the particulars - dates, etc., and we left it that I would do it. I got to thinking over the next few days, though, and that was when the pattern of the last year or so finally sank in for me, and I saw that she has been all friendly and eager to spend time with me, talking about what great friends we are, when she has had a trip coming up and I was going to dog sit. Then, if I said no, or she didn't need me for awhile, I wouldn't hear from her.

So, I may be a big dumb idiot who doesn't see the flashing neon Use Me sign on my forehead, but eventually even I catch on.

I sent an email to D, and a copy to her friend, on Saturday, and explained that although I don't recall agreeing to the three-week dog sitting job, D must evidently remember something I don't and I must have agreed in a moment of not thinking it through. I said that I had done a lot of thinking and came to the decision that I'm not going to be doing any more dog sitting or house sitting for anyone anymore, and that I was letting her know now, while she still has three months to find someone before the trip. I explained that Emily has had a very difficult time these last three months, with Allie being there (she actually licked the fur off of that spot on her back again, but it's growing back now), and I need to not be leaving her alone for long periods of time again, several times a year. When I dog sit, I do go back and forth and see Emily every day, but it's only for an hour or two, and that isn't enough when she is having anxiety. I explained that it's very difficult to split my time between my home and someone else's house, while going to work every day, and to still be able to spend quality time with three dogs and my own cat(s - at the time I wrote the email, I still had Allie too), and that I hoped she would understand that I had to do what is best for myself and my "kids".

I haven't heard a word from her, not even to acknowledge that she got the email. This morning, I re-sent the text in an e-card with a note at the top explaining that I re-sent it in an e-card so that I would get a confirmation email to let me know she got it, because I fully expect to never hear from her again, since that is what she does.

So, that's it. And while I feel it's a shame, I also feel relieved. It's done.

Back when I asked my ex-roommate to leave, I also ended (temporarily, it turned out, that time) my friendship with D and another of our friends. D and I didn't talk for probably three months or so - I don't recall exactly how long it was. But we missed each other and patched things up. Or maybe I missed her and she missed her dog sitter, as the case may be. But I ended it that time for similar reasons, and it was in my standing-up-for-myself period. I guess I'm in another one of those periods now. I feel something in the air - the desire to make big changes for the better in my life, and that includes removing myself from people who are only in it for what I can do for them.

{{Brushing my hands together in shaking-dust-off gesture.}}

More later.